A new, but old, development
Hi everyone! I'm going to get it right out of the way and say this might be a heavier one. Not necessarily heavy in a bad way. Heavy in the sense that it’s personal, real and maybe surprising or even unsurprising.
The Climax
You may have noticed (if not, that’s ok) I haven't posted for the last two weeks. I was going to give y’all the excuse that I had been traveling and celebrating the holiday which is true, I have been. For Thanksgiving, I went to my family’s house in West Virginia, returned home to North Carolina for a couple days, then straight to Texas. However, that was not the reason I have not posted.
Although sharing real things about myself is still super new to me (especially online where anyone can see) I want to be honest with y’all about what’s going on in this journey of mine. So, that requires opening up, sharing with the class. This blog is meant to serve as a place to document navigating both a mental and physical journey through this world.
The last two weeks have been an up and down battle inside my head. I had an episode of sorts. Maybe an “episode” isn’t the right word, I'm still trying to figure that out. Anyways, this sort of climax, let’s say, was different from the ones I've had in the past. Thankfully, it provided a lot of clarity by the end, whereas in the past, I have typically done my best to make peace and internalize how I was feeling: doing my best to move on until it happened again.
It started with an ADHD diagnosis. Yay! I was happy to just have that validation for something I believed I had always struggled with in school. Loving academics and being obsessed/hyper-focused with subjects like English, in spite of struggling to balance or care about the subjects I wasn't as good at or interested in. Additionally, procrastinating even the projects I had an enjoyment or vision for out of sheer necessity for perfectionism.
I was also happy to get this diagnosis right now, at this time. I have been struggling with creating structure for myself on my own and getting things done no matter how badly I want to be doing them. I have all this motivation and will start so many tasks yet never finish anything fully. So, I was open to treatment with medication.
I started taking ADHD medication and it did nothing. Or so I thought. For the first few days, I simply didn’t realize any changes besides the nausea I was told was normal. It wasn't helping me focus more at all. In fact, I was less focused. I had a hyper-awareness to everything around me to the point where it caused a haze that made me feel like I was crawling into myself, feeling worse and worse about any action I made as time went on. I could feel my silence from the outside despite absorbing and feeling every hypersensitivity on the inside. I felt more alien than normal. Not of this world. Out of touch.
After a week, I burst. Breaking down in front of my mom which is extremely abnormal for me. I couldn’t communicate much despite there being so much I was thinking.
Right after this breakdown, I had a scheduled meeting over coffee with a couple people from a political group I recently joined. I was out of control until the time I got there. The last thing I thought I was capable of was talking about my politics for two hours. I still went, I can't let others down. It was too last minute.
During this meeting, I was so aware of myself. Usually after breakdowns like these, in the presence of people, I am easily able to flip a switch as if nothing occurred. This time that was not the case.
I quickly realized it was the type of meeting where I was expected to do most of the talking. It was the most talkative I had been probably ever, but it was anxious talk, scattered and shaky. I was so aware of my eye contact, my posture, the pen I was holding & fidgeting with. Nothing felt right and I was so conscious of it. The inside of my body felt as if I were trying to keep from swerving when driving on a straight road but the steering wheel kept fighting against me. I was so out of control.
Fortunately, everyone I have met in the party has been super understanding and kind. I didn't think I ruined my impression. I just felt super uncomfortable internally in a similar way I always have socially, but this time I was hyper-focused on this discomfort.
My mom advised me to call my attention doctor’s office to see if she could put me on something else before I left for Texas the next day. But no answer. Honestly, I was relieved. I stopped taking the medication.
My mind began to grow more and more clear again. In Texas, I was surrounded by the familiarity of two friends that I know see me for me. Who cares for me so deeply. Exactly what I needed. Jules and Austin, I love you both so much. Thank you for a wholesome, amazing time away.
Being in the presence of these friends specifically really helped. As a cloud was lifted, in a safe space with a less fogged judgment, I began to think about why I may have reacted in such a way to the ADHD pills.
At one point on my trip, Jules and I got to talking about one of my family members who I had been concerned with. Jules mentioned the concerns I was describing as autism. And I didn’t say it, but it got me thinking. Since my diagnosis, I had thought maybe the family member just has a more severe case of ADHD than me. I started to research autism and, rapidly, everything began to make sense. And when I say everything, I mean everythinggggg. In my entire life ever. The way I think, the way I act, how I feel in this life, in society, on a day to day basis.
Clarity
Now, I did a lotttt of research on ASD. There are multiple definitions that characterize the highlights of the disorder online, but this was my favorite— according to the UK’s National Autistic Society, autism spectrum disorder (ASD) influences how people interact and experience the world. It is a lifelong disability and neurodivergence that can be diagnosed in the developmental stages of life or much later. It affects everyone with the disorder differently in a range or spectrum of ways.
The causes of autism are genetic but still complex as it does not come with a specific gene variation, as stated by the Cleveland Clinic. Autistic people are neurodivergent (ND) as opposed to neurotypical (NT). I love this term neurodivergent to describe autism. Like oouu I’m divergent no wonder I loved those books so much as a kid. I remember reading them and deadass being like Tris is like me. So not like other girls, she doesn’t fit in anywhere.
I can go on and on about the research I did and the revelations I had for me personally, but I will make another post on some of that soon. Right now, the points I feel are most relevant to this post and best summarizes my discovery were 1) the gender differences in diagnosing neurodivergence. How most autism stereotypes don’t always fit in with the female experience of the disorder, often leading to a much later diagnosis in females compared to males, subsequently, 2) the idea of masking and unmasking, in which masking or camouflaging the disorder can be more common or effectively executed in female cases from societal pressure put on girls, training them to act in a more socially acceptable way from a young age. It is becoming increasingly more common for women to realize they’re neurodivergent in their 20s, 30s and sometimes later. Lastly, 3) the fact that both autism and ADHD can co-occur with 80% of adults with neurodivergence also having ADHD, according to Dr. Debra Bercovici with Embrace Autism. This is recognized as AuDHD which could explain my experience with ADHD medication.
According to the National Autistic Society, “masking” is a strategy used by many neurodivergent people to blend in and be more accepted in society. Taking ADHD medication as someone which AuDHD has been reported to cause their neurodivergence to be “unmasked.”
I felt this as I sat there in a coffee shop with someone I met twice and a complete stranger on a medication that made me so painfully aware of being observed. I recall feeling my face twitch when I was trying to make it appear as though I was not upset because my body was fighting me. The whole interaction made me so aware of the strategies I use when I first meet people in order to appear normal or, I guess, neurotypical. More on this kind of thing later but I want to get into why I’m unmasking this here.
Why
Do you remember, in my last post, when I said I was working towards figuring out how to make you guys understand how I see the world? This diagnosis has a lot to do with that I’m realizing. I see patterns in social order that some might not notice. I have a very empathetic view of the world and how it works. I am constantly questioning so much of what many people consider to be just the way things are. Although I had a lot of grief at first when discussing with my therapist how this likely affected a lot of my past, we also talked about how this can be extremely empowering as I enter these next stages of life. Neurodivergence, despite the fact that it is a disability, can also be a superpower.
In my early twenties, the point in life meant for self-actualization, I hope to leave no stone unturned. I have to understand how my mind works. Being aware of both my gifts and challenges can better assist in finding the most effective practices for my creative expression. Using this notebook to analyze the world around me will improve my communication to y’all and the outside world. I have to get comfortable with sharing my creative thought in a more intimate way or I’ll only hold myself back. By arriving closer to who I am, I know I will get closer to my art and artistic expression again after years and years of doing my best (and failing) to lose my true self to the expectations set before me.
Facing yourself can be a scary thing. But even though it will be hard at first, I know it’s necessary in order to understand what I am good at and how to use those skills in the best, most fulfilling way for me to keep the momentum going. Because, lord knows I was never meant to fit into the “normal” way of doing things : )
Thank you all,
Norah <3
